Who Says Space Quest Is Dead? (Page 7)


Beatrice: As I was saying, I think Iíd like to meet Stellar. Iím sure we could work out our problems face-to-face.

Roger: I hope you donít mean that literally, Beatrice, because if you intend to...

Xandra (catcalling): Oh Mister Wiiiiiil-cooooh!

Roger: What is it, Xandra?

Xandra: I think itís Steeell-aaarrrr!!

Roger: Stellar! Yikes, how many more unscheduled arrivals before this is over??

Beatrice: Canít be many, I hear that Kielbasa is a stickler for organization.

Roger: Thatís for sure.

(Xandra comes bounding down the hallway.)

Xandra: Oh my, oh my, itís her! Itís Stellar Santiago! Sheís comiiiing...

Roger: When?

Xandra: T-minus 20 seconds max!

Roger: Well... whatever you say. Beatrice?

Beatrice: Donít worry, Roger. I wonít say anything...

Xandra: Trashy?

Roger: Xandra, be quiet.

Xandra (sitting down on an elevated part of the hallway): Hey, I didnít say anything!

(After a few seconds, Stellar comes down the hallway. Roger walks toward her. Xandra looks up at both at them from her position.)

Stellar: Hello, Roger.

Roger: Hi Stellar. I didnít know you were coming...

Stellar: I know you didnít. I just came here to... straighten out things with you. (Xandra mutters "Uh-oh" under her breath, Roger gives her a hard nudge in the side with his boot.)

Roger: What do you mean?

Stellar: Well... this is hard to explain... but a few weeks ago I got an anonymous message which had nearly all your past endeavors listed. I donít know why I got this, but I do know that my friendship with you could be the makings of an impromptu time paradox, and I realize that you and Beatrice Wankmeister are eventually going to wind up together. Destiny is a weird thing, isnít it?

Also, the other reason I came is because I understand that a group of so-called Cleaning Droids were sold to Kielbasa. It was a scam, Roger.

Roger: So thatís why those prototypes went berserk. Who made them? I never got the name.

Stellar: They never told Kielbasa. It was ScumDead, Inc.

Xandra: Egad! Those two gargantuan media-giants did merge after all! Geez, Iíve missed a lot!

Stellar: I think the reason is you, Roger. They were taking a stab at revenge. But judging by your (and the shipís) intactness, I guess they failed.

Xandra: Again.

Beatrice: Thatís incredible. You must be brave to drive off a barrage of avenging robots. And... I think I know what you mean about that message, Stellar. I think I got the same document you described, believe it or leave it, and Iím also clueless.

Roger: Why... who could have sent both of you the same thing? What was the... (Xandra starts rocking back and forth in her seat, whistling "Greensleeves." Roger glares at her, but Stellar suddenly grabs his shoulder, making him turn his head.)

Stellar: Now, you know I like you, Roger. I know Beatrice does too. Under normal circumstances I would probably fight with her over you, but these circumstances are anything but normal. I understand your feelings for Bea, and Iím not going to object now that you have a reason, Roger.

Xandra: Yeah. Youíre all right, Stellar. All right.

Stellar (looking at Xandra with interest): So youíre another of Rogerís admirers?

Xandra: Hardly. I just like him for what he is, you know? Iím just another fan.

Stellar (raising her hand to Xandraís right ear): Well... do you mind if I scratch you here?

Xandra: Be my guest... oooooh... (she purrs in ecstasy as Stellar scratches her ear, almost falling off her perch.) Yeah, Roger. You and Bea were destined to meet... but Stellarís still part of your life. You canít say no to that. But you can still be friends? (Roger looks startled at hearing almost the exact same words he heard on Estros coming from Xandra. Then he looks nervous.)

Stellar: Yes. Iím sure we can. And Roger? When your son is born and you have no one to watch him when you two are away... Iíll be glad to offer my help.

Xandra: Yeah, Roger. Stellar gives great ear scratches... REALLY great... but it just wasnít meant to be... (she gently pushes Stellarís hand away.)

Roger: Are you sure you arenít Zondra the Estrosian?

Xandra: I told you Iím not, Roger. Now, about Stellarís offer...

Beatrice: Wait, wait... before we talk about babysitting, we should talk about this matrimonial dilemma first. (she turns to Roger.) So, Roger... youíve got a wide range of skills, and so have I. Iíd like to have you as a husband, but Iíve got just one little question before we do anything else... (Roger looks very nervous.) Can you... cook?

Roger: Well... I know how to tell if something is cooked long enough in a microwave...

Beatrice: I think Iíll marry you anyway.

Xandra: But...

Xandra: Well, youíve done it again, Roger! Donít worry, itís just the way things happen, you know? And guys like you never change, even if theyíre married. Believe me.

Gary Owens: Iíve noticed that, Xandra. Not only with Roger, but especially with... letís say... organisms like you.

Xandra (silently fuming in anger): Hey Gary? Did you know that only one fourth of the human eye is visible when in its socket?

Gary Owens: No, I did not know that.

Xandra (getting up and reaching up and above the camera view): Then you will let me yank yours out so I can get a good look at the REST of it, you impudent...

Roger (pulling her back down): Hey, watch it, Xandra!! This is a family fan-fic!

Xandra: All right. Well... I think Iíve spent more than enough time with you, Roger... all of you, I mean. Iíll be jack --- I mean --- catching the next shuttle back to Earth.

Roger: Okay. And Iíll think about that problem with those SQ7 essentials.

Xandra: Sure. Go ahead. "Thinking Allowed."

Roger: Well. This has got to be the longest conversation Iíve had with any fan of Space Quest without him bringing up... (Xandra yanks him down to her level by the front of his shirt.)

Xandra (whispering through her teeth): Rog, the phrase "Thinking Allowed" means you are permitted to contemplate things freely in your head, not to do it aloud.

Roger (whispering back): Whoops.

Xandra: Itís something personal, isnít it?

Roger: Yes.

Xandra: No wonder weíre whispering. (pause) What is it?

Roger: Well... itís... ah... um...

Xandra: Donít tell me. That dress deal in SQ4-slash-10, correct?

Roger: Ah... yeah.

Xandra: Look, Roger: I wear dresses about as often as a Labion Terror Beast does the hula, and I am perfectly comfortable wearing clothes that look like a guyís.

Roger: Sorry I canít say the same thing -- Oops, I mean...

Xandra: Just shut up and tell us youíre going to do something for a change?

Roger: Okay. (Xandra releases her grip and Roger nearly goes sprawling backwards.)

Beatrice: Donít worry, I didnít catch any of that, Roger. Well... it was nice to meet you, Xandra. Have a safe journey back.

Roger (holding Beaís hand): And Iíll try to get all those SQ7 files transported to your planet as soon as I can. Itíll take a bit of time, but itíll get there. (pause) So youíre really leaving now, Xandra?

Xandra: Well... on second thought... I think Iíll wait around for the end of Space Quest 7. So... have you heard about any Astro Chicken 3?



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